I came into this position towards the end of July, thinking to myself I must be certifiably insane for accepting. I have never had "7th grade bones" in me. I've never had "middle school bones" in me for that matter. My heart, my passion has always been set on elementary, specifically 4th and 5th grades.
So, here I sit -- roughly two-thirds of the way in -- contemplating my demise as a 7th grade special education teacher and feeling rather blue. I surely didn't feel this way at the beginning of the year. Heavens no. I was terrified. Nervous. This age group was foreign and untamed. Would I be a good teacher for them? What would I learn this year? Would they learn anything from me? Would my colleagues find me useful and approachable? Would I be able to do my best no matter what?
It's not about the age group anymore though. It's not about the "middle school" idea anymore. It's about knowing I have to leave behind a group of kids I have grown to love, adore, and respect on many different levels for various reasons. Deep down they are just like 5th graders - just a bit older and with a smidgen too much attitude. They still need us. It's about knowing I have to fore go seeing teachers I have grown to admire and respect in just a handful of months. Months that began long and arduous but have grown into less long and less arduous spans of days.
Why do I feel this way when I know my heart is set elsewhere? Why do I feel so guilty for walking away at the end of this year? Why do I feel as if I am betraying this wonderful group of people and children? Why?
I understand why children continually repeat the question 'why'. They aren't satisfied with the answers adults or other children will give them so they continue to seek with one simple, yet profound word. Why? A question I believe the majority of the world's population continues to beg of others on a daily basis with little to no satisfaction.
A question I continually utter toward the sky.
Why must I only reside in a position for one year? What bigger plan is there for me that requires this constant need for redirection and uprooting? What is really being achieved through all of this?
A major difference between myself and the "why children" is this: those children will receive their answers rather quickly, as the person they are asking will eventually become frustrated to a point of exasperation. They will offer the "right" response the child has been waiting for this whole time to end the ordeal.
I don't think God gets exasperated very easily. I've been asking "Why?" for a very, very long time.
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